Peace in my mind

Why do I get angry?

Feelings of anger arise due to how we interpret and react to certain situations. Everyone has their own triggers for what makes them angry, but some common ones include situations in which we feel:

• threatened or attacked
• frustrated or powerless
• like we’re being treated unfairly.

People can interpret situations differently, so a situation that makes you feel very angry may not make someone else feel angry at all (for example, other reactions could include annoyance, hurt or amusement). But just because we can interpret things differently, it doesn’t mean that you’re interpreting things ‘wrong’ if you get angry. How you interpret and react to a situation can depend on lots of factors in your life, including:

• your childhood and upbringing 

• past experiences
• current circumstances.

Whether your anger is about something that happened in the past or something that’s going on right now, thinking about how and why we interpret and react to situations can help us learn how to cope with our emotions better. It can also help us find productive strategies to handle our anger. (See the How can I manage an outburst? section for more information).

Your childhood and upbringing

How we learn to cope with angry feelings is often influenced by our upbringing. Many people are given messages about anger as children that may make it harder to manage it as an adult. For example:

    • You may have grown up thinking that it’s always okay to act out your anger aggressively or violently, and so you didn’t learn how to understand and manage your angry feelings. This could mean you have angry outbursts whenever you don’t like the way someone is behaving, or whenever you are in a situation you don’t like.  

• You may have been brought up to believe that you shouldn’t complain, and may have been punished for expressing anger as a child. This could mean that you tend to suppress your anger and it becomes a long-term problem, where you react inappropriately to new situations you’re not comfortable with.

• You may have witnessed your parents’ or other adults’ anger when it was out of control, and learned to think of anger as something that is destructive and terrifying. This could mean that you now feel afraid of your own anger and don’t feel safe expressing your feelings when something makes you angry. Those feelings might then surface at another unconnected time, which may feel hard to explain.

Past experiences 

If you’ve experienced particular situations in the past that made you feel angry (either as a child or more recently as an adult) but you weren’t able to safely express your anger at the time, you might still be coping with those angry feelings now. This might also mean that you now find certain situations particularly challenging, and more likely to make you angry.

Current circumstances

If you’re dealing with a lot of other problems in your life right now, you might find yourself feeling angry more easily than usual, or getting angry at unrelated things.

If there’s a particular situation that’s making you feel angry, but you don’t feel able to express your anger directly or resolve it, then you might find you express that anger at other times.

Anger can also be a part of grief. If you’ve lost someone important to you, it can be hugely difficult to cope with all the conflicting things you might be feeling. (Cruse Bereavement Care can offer support and information in this situation – see the Useful contacts section for details).

What is anger?

Anger is a natural response to feeling attacked, deceived, frustrated or treated unfairly. Everyone gets angry sometimes – it’s part of being human. It isn’t always a ‘bad’ emotion; in fact it can sometimes be useful. For example, feeling angry about something can:

• help us identify problems or things that are hurting us

• motivate us to create change

• help us defend ourselves in dangerous situations by giving us a

  burst of energy.

  예를 들어 어떤 것에 대해 화를 내는 것은 :  - 우리를 아프게 하는 것들, 문제들을 확인할 수 있도록 돕는다. - 변화를 만들어낼 수 있도록 우리에게 동기를 부여한다. - 우리가 에너지를 분출하는 기회를 줌으로써, 위험한 상황에서 우리 자신을 보호할 수 있도록 돕는다.

  
  

  When is anger a problem?

  Anger only becomes a problem when it harms you or people around you. This can happen when:

  ‘분노’는 언제 문제를 발생시키는가? 분노는 당신 자신과 당신의 주변인들에게 피해를 끼칠때에만 문제가 된다. 이것은 다음과 같은 때에 일어난다.

• you regularly express your anger through unhelpful or destructive behaviour

• your anger is having a negative impact on your overall mental and physical health.

  - 도움이 되지 않거나 파괴적인 행동을 통해 당신이 ‘정기적으로’ 당신의 화를 표현할 때 - 당신의 분노가 전반적인 정신적 육체적 건강에 부정적인 영향을 끼칠 때

  
  

  "It feels like there’s a ball of fire in the middle of my chest that blurts its way straight out of my mouth and burns the people around me.”

  “내 가슴속 한가운데에 불덩이 있음을 느낀다. 그 불덩이는 내 입에서 곧바로 튀어나가고, 내 주변사람을 불살라버린다."

  
  

  If the way you behave when you feel angry is causing you problems in your life or relationships, it’s worth thinking about ways you can choose to manage anger, and learning about your options for treatment and support.

  당신이 화가 났을 때 행동하는 방식이 당신의 삶과 관계속에서 문제를 일으킨다면, 당신이 분노를 조절할 방법과 치료나 지원을 받는 선택지를 배우는 것에 대해 생각해볼 필요가 있다.

  
  

  What is unhelpful angry behaviour?
  

  How you behave when you’re angry depends on how well you’re able to identify and cope with your feelings, and how you’ve learned to express them (see the Why do I get angry? section for more information).

  무엇이 ‘도움되지 않는’ 분노 행동인가? 당신이 화가났을 때 어떻게 행동하는가는 전적으로 당신이 당신의 느끼는 바에 대해 어떻게 잘 직시하고 대처하는가, 그리고 그 감정들을 어떻게 표현하도록 배웠는가에 달려있다. (더 자세한 정보는 ‘나는 왜 화가 나는가?’ 부분을 살펴보라.)

How can anger affect my mental and physical health?

Anger isn’t a mental health problem – it’s a normal part of life. However: 

• Anger can contribute to mental health problems, and make existing problems worse. For example, if you often struggle to manage feelings of anger it can be very stressful and might negatively affect your self-esteem. This can lead to you experiencing problems such as depression, anxiety, eating problems or self-harm. It can also contribute to sleep problems, and problems with alcohol and substance misuse.

• Anger can also be a symptom of some mental health problems. For example, if you experience borderline personality disorder (BPD), other personality disorders, psychosis or paranoia (especially if this leads you to feel very threatened), you might often feel very angry, and find it very hard to cope with angry feelings.

"[My anger] is always followed by a period of depression, self- loathing and disconnection from others around me. I hate myself and many times think about suicide.”

Experiencing strong anger regularly or for prolonged periods can also affect your physical health, contributing to illnesses such as:

• colds and flu
• gastro-intestinal (digestive) problems 

• high blood pressure.

Unwanted violent thoughts

If you regularly find yourself having intrusive or upsetting violent thoughts that you don’t want and can’t control (such as thinking or worrying you might hurt, kill or sexually abuse others), this could actually be a symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) – not anger. It can be very frightening and worrying to experience thoughts like this, but it’s important to remember: just because you have these thoughts, it does not mean you will act on them. (See Mind’s booklet Understanding obsessive compulsive disorder).

How can friends and family help?

This section is for family and friends who want to support someone with a diagnosis of BPD.

If someone you care about is diagnosed with BPD you might sometimes find it hard to understand their feelings or behaviour, or to know how to help. But there are lots of positive things you can do to support them.

• Try to be patient. If your loved one is struggling to deal with their emotions, try not to get involved in an argument in the heat of the moment. It could be better to wait until you both feel calmer to talk things through.

  인내심을 가져라 / 당신이 사랑하는 사람이 그들의 감정을 다루느라 애를 쓰고 있다면, 격해진 상태에서 논쟁에 휘말리지 않도록 노력하라. 양자가 충분히 이야기를 할 수 있을 만큼 격앙상태가 가라앉을 때까지 기다리는 편이 훨씬 낫다.

• Don't judge them. Try to listen to them without telling them that they're overreacting or that they shouldn't feel the way they do. Whether or not you understand why they feel like this, it's still how they're feeling and important to acknowledge it.

  그들을 판단하지 마라 / 그들이 과장된 행동을 하고 있다거나, 행동하는 대로 느껴서는 안된다고 말하지 말고, 그저 들으려고 애를 쓰라. 그들이 왜 그런 방식으로 느끼는 당신이 이해할 수 있던 없던 간에, 그것은 여전히 그들이 어떻게 느끼고, 그 감정을 인지하는 방식을 얼마나 중요하게 여기는가의 문제이다.

  "One thing that I find helps is when others validate my emotions, as I often feel guilty for having them.”

  “내가 도움을 구하는 한 방법은 내가 종종 감정들을 가지는 것에 대해 죄책감을 느끼기 때문에, 다른 이들이 나의 감정들을 입증하려고 할 때이다.

• Be calm and consistent. If your loved one is experiencing a lot of overwhelming emotions, this could help them feel more secure and supported.

  차분하고 일관적이어라. / 당신의 사랑하는 이가 다양한 압도적인 감정을 느낀다면, 차분함과 일관적임이 그들로 하여금 좀 더 안전하고 지지받는다고 느끼는데 도움이 된다.

• Help remind them of all their positive traits. When someone you care about is finding it hard to believe anything good about themself, it can be reassuring to hear all the positive things you see in them.

  그들에게 그들의 좋은 측면을 떠올리도록 도와라 / 당신이 마음쓰는 누군가가, 그들 자신에 대해서 어떠한 좋은 점을 믿기 어렵다고 느낄때, 당신이 그들 안에서 본 긍정적인 점들을 들려주고 확인해줄 수 있다.

• Try to set clear boundaries and expectations. If your loved one is feeling insecure and worried about being left alone, it can be helpful to make sure you both know where the boundaries of your relationship are, and what you can expect from each other.

  명확한 경계와 기대를 설정하라 / 당신이 사랑하는 이가, 불안함을 느끼고 홀로 남겨짐에 대해 두려워한다면, 당신들 사이의 관계의 경계가 어디에 있는 지 둘 모두 알고 있고, 당신이 서로에 대해 기대할 수 있는 것을 알고 있음을 확실히 하는 것이 도움이 된다.

  • Plan ahead. When the person you're supporting is feeling well, ask them how you can help them best when they're unwell.
  

  미리 준비하라 / 당신이 지지하는 사람이 상태가 좋을 때, 그들에게 ‘그들이 좋지 않을 때’ 당신이 그들을 최대한 어떻게 도울 수 있는지를 물어보라.

"I have a friend who [...] goes for hot chocolate with me every week. To know there is somebody who cares and has time for you, even when you're not sure who you are ... that means the world.”

• Learn their triggers. Talk to your loved one and try to find out what sort of situations or conversations might trigger negative thoughts and emotions.

  그들을 자극하는 것이 무엇인지를 배워라. / 당신이 사랑하는 사람에게 물어보라. 그리고 어떤 종류의 상황이나 대화가 부정적인 생각이나 감정을 유발하는지를 알아차리는 노력을 하라.

• Think about how you could help keep them safe. It can be scary if you're worried someone you care about is hurting themself, or is struggling with suicidal thoughts, but being prepared can help you cope. (See our booklet How to support someone who feels suicidal for more information.)

  당신이 그들을 안전하게 도울수 있는 방법에 대해 생각하라 / 당신이 사랑하는 사람이 자신을 해치거나 자살을 기도할 것에 대해 걱정이 든다면, 그것은 매우 끔찍하다. 그러나 사전에 준비하는 것은 당신이 대처하는 데 도움이 된다. ('자살 충동을 겪는 사람을 어떻게 돕는가’라는 책자에 더 많은 정보가 있다.

• Learn more about BPD, and help to challenge stigma. BPD is a complicated diagnosis, and your loved one might sometimes have to deal with other people's misconceptions on top of trying to manage their mental health problem.

  BPD에 대해서 더 배워라. 그리고 그들의 낙인에 대해 도전하는 것을 도와라 / BPD는 매우 복잡한 진단이다. 그리고 당신이 사랑하는 사람은 때때로 자신들의 정신문제를 다루는 꼭대기에 서서 다른 사람들의 오해에 직면해야 한다.

• Help them seek treatment and support. For example, you could offer to go with them to appointments, or help them find an advocate.

  그들이 치료와 지원을 찾을 수 있도록 도와라 / 예를 들어, 당신은 그들의 약속에 같이 가는 것을 제안할 수도 있다. 또는 지지자를 찾는 것을 도울 수도 있다.

• Take care of yourself. Supporting someone else can be stressful. Remember that your mental health is important too, and make sure to look after yourself. Taking care of your own wellbeing can help you maintain the energy, time and distance you need to be able
  to help someone else. (See our booklet How to cope as a carer for more information.)

  당신 자신을 돌봐라 / 다른 누군가를 지원하는 것은 스트레스일 수 있다. 당신 자신의 정신건강 역시 중요하다는 것을 기억하라. 그리고 당신 스스로를 돌보는 것을 확실히 하라. 당신 자신의 행복을 돌보는 것은 당신이 충분한 에너지와 시간과 다른이를 도울 수 있는데 필요한 적정한 거리를 유지하는 데 필요하다.  ( ‘보호자로서 대처하기’라는 책자에 더 많은 정보가 있다.)